‘I want to be pregnant forever‘ isn’t a saying you hear very often is it?
‘Get this baby out of me‘ and ‘I’m sick of being pregnant now‘ seem to be more common phrases among us mums-to-be but I rarely hear women talk about how they wish that their pregnancy would go on and on.
Well oddly enough that’s all I can say lately. I honestly wish this pregnancy would last a little (lot) longer; despite the SPD, heartburn and current outbreak of spots on my face. I explained it to Pete and my Mum the other day like when your muscles ache from working out at the gym but you don’t care because it’s for a good reason – to get fit. That’s how I feel about this; as uncomfortable as I am right now, propped up in bed by about 8 pillows while trying to ignore my restless leg, if someone gave me the choice to be pregnant for an extra few months past my due date I’d jump at the chance because I’m loving being pregnant! Remind of of this in August and I’m sure I’ll say differently but for now this is how I feel.
I know why. There are a few reasons really. Firstly it’s because my due date is growing ever closer. Being on the single digit week countdown has really made me realise how soon my little man will be here. Reading on my pregnancy apps that if he was born now he’d have a high survival rate makes me realise that he could in fact be here any day now. I know due dates are estimates and I shouldn’t set it in stone, Jasper was 4 days late after all; but I still see it as I have a certain number of weeks and days to go and I’m already panicking that it isn’t enough time to do every pregnancy related thing I can, let alone with the thought of him being early.
There’s so much I want to do before he arrives. From experiences like my pregnancy photoshoot and bump cast, to making the most of my time with Jasper and our weekends as a family of 4. I also want to try every pregnancy related class I fancy doing – yoga, hypnobirthing, prenatal aqua aerobics and NCT. I want to enjoy my waddle and my right to moan about my restless nights. I want to wear an array of maternity wear throughout all of the seasons. I want pregnancy massages and to be the pregnant one at upcoming weddings and parties. I want to try all of the different stretch mark creams, belly bands and other pregnancy specific products I wont need once baby boy is here. I just don’t want to miss a thing. I don’t want to be ‘not pregnant’ and see a product I never got to try or a new maternity brand I wish I could have bought from. I don’t want to see a pregnant bump and wish I’d spent more time singing to mine and stroking it.
I know why this panics me now and it didn’t when I was pregnant with Jasper. Yes I loved being pregnant with him, but I also blissfully wished it away eagerly anticipating the arrival of my first baby boy. I also knew I’d be pregnant again at some point so I didn’t feel the need to soak it up in all of it’s glory as much as I do this time.
This time, well it’s different. I know (I think) this will be my last pregnancy. Me and Pete have agreed that 3 boys is quite enough and as much as I agree in terms of how our family dynamic is, I also know that there will be a point that I get broody. It may not be this year but I know it’ll happen eventually, especially as I’ll always wonder what it would be like to experience having a girl. Don’t get me wrong I adore my boys and would have 10 of them, but a part of me will always long for a daughter … that’s for another post though.
Because of this I can’t simply think ‘I’ll do that next time’. In my head there won’t be a next time and this is my last chance. It’s like the last day of holiday when you realise there’s a whole list of all inclusive cocktails you haven’t tried yet and you panic order them all. Thats what i feel the urge to do, panic buy every maternity item on ASOS and plan how I can achieve every type of labour all in one – c-section /natural water birth split between home, the hospital and birthing centre anyone? That’s doable right?
I think I’d feel more content if I knew I’d appreciated this pregnancy from the get go. Of course I was over the moon and I’ve never taken this blessing for granted but so much of my pregnancy so far has been spent with my mind elsewhere. Not on Jasper, that’s only natural, but on my mums cancer diagnosis and constant up and downs with Pete. There have been times during this pregnancy I’ve thought I’d have to find somewhere new to live so naturally taking 10 minutes out to meditate and dream of my labour wasn’t really a priority.
Now I don’t want to sound ungrateful at all. To be honest there’s nothing I’ve had to say no to, nothing I haven’t been able to buy or do. Except for 4 missed yoga sessions my pregnancy bucket list went on as normal but I don’t feel like I’ve given my bump or my pregnant body the attention it’s deserved.
There’s still time though. I have lots of exciting things booked in, lots of bump time to experience, I just need to make sure that I’m appreciating it, all of it. I need to pay attention to the way my bump works against me as I try to get out of bed. I need to take mental snap shots of the moments when Jasper kisses my belly and when little man kicks as he hears my parents voices. I need to make time; put down my laptop (after I write this) and just float in the bath, practicing my golden mist breathing techniques and imagining the day I meet my little man.
I know I can’t do it all. Honestly I’m not putting pressure on myself to have the perfect pregnancy; I know there will always be things I can’t do and things I wish I could have done. I just don’t want it to end … although if these hot nights continue I may change my mind pretty sharpish!
How do/did you feel about pregnancy? Eager to get that baby out or keen for them to stay in?
Thanks for reading,