I mention quite a lot on the blog that I find it hard to relax. There’s always something to do and if I sit down to have a cuppa I can’t help but have that niggling feeling in the back of my mind that I need to be working on my to-do list.
My relaxing bubble baths are actually spent replying to emails and blog comments; catching up with my only program I watch now – Made in Chelsea, is seen as something to get out of the way to focus on my day and going to bed early means writing blog posts and tweeting in bed ( what I’m doing right now).
It’s not that I don’t want to spend time with Jasper but while he’s feeding I use my phone and while he’s occupying himself I tidy. Heck I even juggle hoovering and cooking while carrying him!
It’s almost as if I can’t separate time with him with everything else. Everything’s done with such a rush and determination that I rarely just enjoy moments.
This morning really tested me. The laundry basket was overflowing, the floors were dirty, I needed a shower and the dishes had piled up. In my head I strategically planned what I’d do first and where I’d pop Jasper to keep him happy while I worked through my to-do’s; but then Jasper was sick. Then he was sick again … and again… until he’d thrown up in his moses basket and my bed a total of 5 times!
No problem at all; I’d strip the bed, do an extra load of washing and make up the bed like new … but Jasper wanted cuddles. Not just jig him up and down until he settles cuddles but proper mummy I need you cuddles.
He wasn’t hungry ( although he should have been after emptying his tummy like that) he didn’t have a dirty nappy, he just wanted cuddles. He wanted me, my undivided attention. I could tell by his cry that’s all he wanted and the way he held onto my top made me realise how much he needed me and my comfort.
I considered juggling, I even attempted carrying the bedding, washing and Jasper downstairs in one go but in the end I realised that all we were going to do that morning, or all day if that’s what he needed, was cuddle. We sat on the sofa, my phone out of reach, an explosion of mess around us, and we just enjoyed each other’s company. He drifted in and out of sleep and I stared at him, listening to his breathing and reminding myself just how amazing every single one of his features are!
I won’t lie, at first it bothered me. Seeing the mess and not being able to tidy it. Hearing my phone ping and not being able to reach it; but I soon relaxed enough and savoured the moment. These moments will become rarer and rarer. Before I know it he won’t want to cuddle me. He’ll be able to comfort himself and I’ll be left with a tidy house and a ticked off to do list but no little cuddle monster. I want to be able to remember when we just sat and cuddled, I want to do as much as I can to bond with this beautiful little boy, so for the first time I let go.
I let go of the mess, the need to do things and the dread that I’d feel overwhelmed later on and I just cuddled.
Jasper doesn’t fit into my life, Jasper is my life and if everything else has to wait so that we can cuddle than the whole world can wait!
Thanks for reading 🙂 sincerely a mummy with a messy house but a smile on her heart!