I let things slip. Sitting on the sofa with a screaming Jenson who was desperately trying to get something, anything out of my boobs I suddenly realised my milk supply had gone. I looked up to a messy living room, cereal still on the table from breakfast next to a half eaten dinner by a hyper Jasper who had opted for chocolate (did I give him that?) over beans on toast and I realised that it had gone 9pm and bedtime hadn’t even begun. In fact, I couldn’t even remember the last time bedtime was at bedtime. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d cooked a decent meal and I couldn’t remember the last time that Jenson breastfed without screaming and eventually giving up and crying himself to sleep.
Do you ever get those moments where you realise you’ve let it slip? That was my moment. It’s no secret that 2016 wasn’t the kindest to us. It brought a lot of love and light but overall it was the toughest and most painful year of our lives and slowly, very slowly I realised that I’d let every little aspect of my life slip.
It wasn’t a sudden realisation; it was more like brick by brick pieces began to crumble until eventually I tripped on a pile of rubble at my feet.
I always find that I struggle to keep a balance. I often joke that I’m like a duck; bobbing along calmly on top of the water but under the surface my little feet are paddling away like crazy to stay afloat. Normally though I’m winning at at least something. Work may be suffering, Pete may be neglected but I’m nailing it at work. The house may be a mess, my fridge may be empty but I’ve hit the gym 5 times this week. There’s usually always some kind of triumph but at that point, I just wasn’t feeling it. At that point I felt like it was all slipping. Now this isn’t some kind of panicky spiral; this isn’t anything to worry about … I’m okay, I really am. I’m not in some deep hole I can’t get out of; it’s all very manageable but realising at that moment that I needed to ‘manage’ it all, and then taking on the challenge to do so was pretty tough.
Right now Jaspers routine has gone. Sometimes he naps sometimes he doesn’t; bedtime varies from 7pm-10pm and there are days that go by where I can’t remember if he’s had any fruit, veg or even drank any water. I noticed the other day that his eczema has gotten so bad and I can’t remember the last time we went out and got some fresh air.
Jenson has been getting really fussy on the boob and after noticing he looked a bit thinner I weighed him and he’d lost 1.5lbs. I tried to express milk to see if he was getting enough and I only managed 1 ounce after usually getting at lease 6 ounces. The guilt … oh that blady guilt!
The house is a mess; the washing pile is overflowing and half of the food in our fridge has passed it’s use by date. On top of that me and Pete haven’t had quality time in weeks; my work to do list is as long as my arm and I can’t remember the last time I saw my friends let along properly spoke to them.
Like I said; it’s all slipped a bit (okay A LOT) and so slowly that by the time I noticed I’ve been left feeling all kinds of overwhelmed; guilty and quite frankly, exhausted.
I know nothing is permanent; and with what we’ve been been going through it’s pretty understandable that things have all gone a bit pear shaped; but when I want to feel better after being so poorly, and I want to grieve the loss of loved ones, I need the rest of my life to be okay … just okay; and right now it’s not. The realisation that everything has slipped has given me a real kick up the backside to take control of life again and rather than it being a daunting and impossible task I’m actually feeling really positive about it.
I’ve already started making baby steps which is all that I’ve managed whilst feeling so poorly. My mums helped me to get on top of my washing and get the house in order, I’ve made sure that the past few days Jasper has had fruit, veg and water and I’ve gotten Jenson into a formula schedule. Bedtime routines are creeping back in and I’ve spent each night slowly getting back on top of my emails and keeping in touch with friends and family. My to do list is still huge but it’s manageable and I’m feeling optimistic about getting things back in check in 2017.
I’m not doing the whole, ‘New Year, New Me’ thing; I have set goals which I think I may write down, keep to myself and smash in my own time but I am going to be talking on here about a lot of positive changes I plan to make. These changes are not necessarily resolutions but positive life changes I’ll be incorporating everyday until hopefully they become second nature. After a year with a lot of darkness; finding positivity in all that I do is a spark of light I came away with and it really has given me a boost to use my space on the internet to try and do good … stay tuned, I have lots of ideas!
Well for those of you who don’t follow my social media or watch my videos, hopefully this gave you a little insight into why I’ve been a bit m.i.a on here lately. I will do a 2016 blog post round up as it has been a really monumental year in my life ad something that has changed me forever and I feel I should document that.
For any of you mamas, dads, or whatever your reader status may be; if you feel like you’ve let things slip lately I just want you to know that it’s okay. It really is okay. It’s normal and happens to the best of us but if you’re looking for a little push in the right direction I’m going to be writing a few posts on getting back on top of things. You all know I’m not the most organised of people but I’m getting there and I plan to have a strong focus here on this blog on decluttering, organising, minimalism and positivity … let’s get motivated!
Thanks for reading!