Going through a separation isn’t something that I’ve spoken about a lot on my blog or anywhere (publicly) for that matter and although I always try to keep things open and honest with you all it’s been one of those subjects that I’ve really found the need to tread carefully on.
Now if you followed my Instagram account circa October 2017 you’ll probably be thinking ‘yea right – you were a ball of word vomit back then’ – because I’ll be honest there was a time when everything was so fresh that I needed to talk about things. Venting is healthy but it can also be so detrimental to situations if done in the wrong way and I did find myself sharing enough to make sly digs and get my point across without being one of those people that spew their feelings on Facebook and then when people ask if they’re okay say ‘I’ll dm you hun’.
Time and time again I would record instastories in frustration or furiously type a passive aggressive caption to an insta post and then delete it before giving up and resorting to chewing my friends ears off instead.
You see as much as I love to tell you guys everything, (I am a lifestyle blogger/ vlogger at the end of the day so my life is my brand), sometimes it is easier to simply share the positive. It’s easier, it’s less ‘risky’, and you don’t need to think of the long run damage that these words can cause. Because what may seem like a quick click and send now is actually a lifetime of emotions put out into the universe for all to see.
Please don’t take this as me being dishonest or creating some kind of ‘insta-sham’ because you all know that I am still very (sometimes too much so) honest about my situation. I still talk about solo parenting, I still tell you all how hard it is when I’m exhausted and just want someone to take over and I will always, always be here for any of you who are going through similar whether it be through advice or simply someone to listen to you.
I simply have to and want to handle this situation, as any that I go through, in the best way possible and as I get so many requests for updates, tips and advice I thought I’d start by giving you a little insight into the four main reasons why I don’t talk about it a lot any more:
I don’t want it to define me
I am a mother who happens to be single; just like a child who happens to be autistic, a father who happens to be a teacher, a brother who happens to be divorced … you get my drift. I am so much more than ‘a single mum’ and as much as I absolutely admire mothers and fathers who take their new status whether wanted or unwanted by the horns and run with them as advocates for single parents out there – it’s just not for me. I can talk about single parenting, I can support, I can advise and I can rant but it’s not all I can do so as much as I want to use my space to be proud of who I am (because let me tell you I have never been more proud of my strength and I am far from embarrassed by my situation) I would rather continue as I am – Jess the parent, the mama of boys who loves fitness and travel and is trying out a plant based diet … who also happens to be running shit solo.
I want to share the positive
I could have run with my negative emotions, I could have ranted more, wallowed, sought attention and pity but again that isn’t me. Yes I loved and appreciated more than I could ever describe the support that I gained over that time and let me tell you all I needed it at that time – but for me I wanted to and still want to use my experiences and situation in a positive way. Sitting and talking about ‘he said this and I did that’ is in no way positive. It would prove for great gossip and yes may make others in similar situations feel better and less alone but for me I would rather draw a line under the past, forgive, learn and use the experience in a constructive, productive and positive way. I will share tips, I’ll share advice, I’ll offer a listening ear and talk about how far I’ve come emotionally whilst being honest about my setbacks; but digging myself into a well of reminders about mistakes that both myself and my husband made won’t do anything but harm.
I want to be careful of what my children see
Blog posts can be deleted, videos can be set to private but let’s be honest once something is out there in the world wide web it is out there for good. I’m not saying that anyone would download one of my vlogs with aim to show my children in 20 years time incase I delete it but there are always ways for these things to be found and what may seem like a quick click and send now is actually a lifetime of emotions etched into the universe that although may make me feel better and like I’ve got ‘one up’ now – could cause serious insecurities, upset and hurt for years to come. My children don’t need to know the names me and their dad have called each other, the silly mistakes we’ve made, they need to know the love that we have for them and the respect that we have for each other.
I still don’t know what the future holds
Some situations are black and white, there have been many moments where I thought mine was too but life has a funny way of twisting and turning and I honestly don’t know now what the future holds. Myself and Pete are working so hard to have the best coparenting relationship for our boys and honestly we’re at such a great place now that I never thought we’d be at a few months ago. I’m going to write about this in my next post as I know that coparenting is something people struggle with A LOT; but I do feel like we’re nailing it at the moment and what I don’t want to do is be that person who flips like the wind changing status after status. As it stands I am a solo mama with a great coparenting relationship but who knows where I’ll stand in two months, 6 months or a year.
I hope this has cleared things up a little as I do get asked a lot why I don’t really talk about things. I promise I will share what I feel can really bring value to you but when it comes to the nitty gritty I would just rather focus on the positive aspects on my life that can help myself and those around me grow from strength to strength.
Thank you for reading mamas <3