This is a bit of an impromptu blog post; I haven’t really written much lately except for brand reviews but tonight I just had the urge to write. There’s so much I want to talk to you all about; I’ve started so many blog posts lately but deleted them half way which I’m sure you’ll come to understand why as I go on. Life’s been a little bit tough the past few weeks; if you follow me on my instagram or youtube then you may have seen what’s going on but for those of you who have’t myself and Pete have separated. This post isn’t going to be about that; it’s not something I’m in the head space to talk about in too much detail just now and I’m very uncertain as to what the future holds but at the same time this is a crucial part of my life and one that I want to document.

I love using my space online to connect with others in similar situations to me whether it be throughout pregnancy, parenting or in this case marriage and as much as I am surviving on the support I get from your lovely comments and messages, I’m also so determined to use this time to give back too. You’ll know I’m on a journey of positivity and if I can use this journey to help others going through the same thing then that would just make it so amazing!

So I thought I’d share the main positive thing that I’m taking from my situation at the moment. I’ll be honest, there aren’t many; I’m not in a situation I want to be in and I’d do anything to not be in it but this one positive has honestly had such a life changing impact and has helped me to grow as a person, so here it is … my independence.

To give you some background, I was the baby of the family; the youngest of three and quite honestly ‘the brat’. Don’t get me wrong I had a part time job from about the age of 14 and I’ve worked ever since but it was one of those where my parents treated me more the harder I worked; basically I never had to work to save for what I wanted, I worked and saved and got what I wanted as a reward. I was extremely lucky and then when it came to marriage it continued. I was a princess, taken care of and treated and although I worked extremely hard as a mother and on my blog and youtube, my blog and youtube income were mine to spend – never ‘needed’. I was in a blissful comfort where household problems could be shared, parenting could be shared and I always knew if I was struggling, the husband could help/take over.

I prided myself on being organised, running a lovely home, raising three beautiful boys and building my brand but it wasn’t until my support system at home got cut short and I had to take on the job of two that I really realised what a strong and independent woman I really am. Please don’t take this as me being big headed at all; I’m in the worst headspace right now, I cry myself to sleep and I wake up in a pit of heartbreak but this is my one positive of hopefully many to come, so I’m going to run with it and be proud of myself for picking it to focus on rather than the many negatives swirling around it.

I now do the job of two, three if you count cleaning as I couldn’t justify keeping on our lovely lady who cleaned our house for us before. I’m ‘mum’ full time; every bed time and early wake up, every middle of the night feed or sickness bug attack. Every food shop, tantrum negotiation and nursery drop off – that’s me. I cook, I clean, I do the laundry and I pretty much do everything I did before but with the added pressure of -‘ this is all on me’. I no longer have that ‘we’re low on milk, ah I’ll get Pete to grab it on his way home’, or ‘I made the last bottle at 3am, this 5am one is yours’ or ‘can you please take over I’m exhausted’ luxury. Of course I struggle with this and there are times that I’d love someone to run me a bath and tell me I’ve done a great job while grabbing a takeaway so I don’t need to cook but at the same time it’s such an empowering feeling. I feel so proud of myself that I’m doing this alone and it’s given me a real confidence boost. It’s taught me that as organised as I felt before, I wan’t half as organised as I am now. I physically can’t run out of milk or pretend not to hear Jenson wake in the night because there is no one else to do those things and it’s forced me to grow in so many ways. I no longer wait for someone to be home for me to go to the gym, I book my boys into the creche and I go; I don’t base my weekend plans around my husbands, I make them for the boys and it’s taught me not to feel loss but to feel growth. It’s a new element and a new dynamic and it’s pretty invigorating.

Of course I have the most amazing network of friends and family around me, those that would happily come and run me a bath or drop off milk (my beautiful sister in law); but I’ve had to grow into a bit of a kick ass muma and without going through all of this I wouldn’t have ever met her.

Now I know my incomings and outgoings to a tee, my boys weekly activities are logged in my brain and their bedtime routine is strict. It has to be because when they go to bed at 7pm I start work for the evening and I now have the pressure that this work is what pays the bills, not just my previous asos obsession.

I’ve started diy-ing, I take the bins out without a moan, I take every ‘I want daddy to come home‘ and ‘you’re not my best friend mummy‘ with a gut wrenching pinch of salt as I know that everything I’m doing for my boys right now is proving to them how strong their mama is. They may not see it now but they will.

I really hope, whatever the outcome of this separation may be that my boys grow to respect just how strong us women are; I hope they know why I can’t always be the fun one and I have to say no to some things because quite honestly, I can’t physically do it all alone. Whether I’m alone for years, settled back into my marriage in a few months or married to someone new in the future, I know that the past couple of months are shaping the way to a more independent woman. I can hold my own and despite it being exhausting, it’s not impossible. I remember once thinking ‘how the fuck am I going to do this? I don’t have a clue!‘ but when you don’t have a choice you just do it and you don’t have to sacrifice yourself. Tonight I showered with Jenson so I could wash my hair and give him a wash in one; I put the boys to bed at 7pm, I’ve done two hours of work and I’m about to sign off, watch Doctor Foster and fall asleep to my mindfulness app or reading my new book. This time a few months ago I’d be moaning that I needed help with bedtime, that I couldn’t get on top of my work and felt so wired from never relaxing with a good book, program or bit of me-time but this just shows that there are definitely more than 24 hours in a day and although it takes a village to raise a child it only takes one kickass independent muma to run a home and raise two wonderful boys.

Well I’m pretty pleased with my self for completing a personal blog post at last; I hope if any one of you are going through anything similar, whether it be divorce, separation or simply losing your independence since having children that you can take some inspiration from this and know that you can do this more than you think. 

I know this has probably left lots of unanswered questions, but of course it is a sensitive situation with not just myself to consider when it comes to sharing but I will be documenting as much of my journey as I can that I think will be able to help others too, 

Thank you for reading ,

Jess x