I let things slip

I let things slip. Sitting on the sofa with a screaming Jenson who was desperately trying to get something, anything out of my boobs I suddenly realised my milk supply had gone. I looked up to a messy living room, cereal still on the table from breakfast next to a half eaten dinner by a hyper Jasper who had opted for chocolate (did I give him that?) over beans on toast and I realised that it had gone 9pm and bedtime hadn’t even begun. In fact, I couldn’t even remember the last time bedtime was at bedtime. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d cooked a decent meal and I couldn’t remember the last time that Jenson breastfed without screaming and eventually giving up and crying himself to sleep.

Do you ever get those moments where you realise you’ve let it slip? That was my moment. It’s no secret that 2016 wasn’t the kindest to us. It brought a lot of love and light but overall it was the toughest and most painful year of our lives and slowly, very slowly I realised that I’d let every little aspect of my life slip.

It wasn’t a sudden realisation; it was more like brick by brick pieces began to crumble until eventually I tripped on a pile of rubble at my feet.

I always find that I struggle to keep a balance. I often joke that I’m like a duck; bobbing along calmly on top of the water but under the surface my little feet are paddling away like crazy to stay afloat. Normally though I’m winning at at least something. Work may be suffering, Pete may be neglected but I’m nailing it at work. The house may be a mess, my fridge may be empty but I’ve hit the gym 5 times this week. There’s usually always some kind of triumph but at that point, I just wasn’t feeling it. At that point I felt like it was all slipping. Now this isn’t some kind of panicky spiral; this isn’t anything to worry about … I’m okay, I really am. I’m not in some deep hole I can’t get out of; it’s all very manageable but realising at that moment that I needed to ‘manage’ it all, and then taking on the challenge to do so was pretty tough.

Right now Jaspers routine has gone. Sometimes he naps sometimes he doesn’t; bedtime varies from 7pm-10pm and there are days that go by where I can’t remember if he’s had any fruit, veg or even drank any water. I noticed the other day that his eczema has gotten so bad and I can’t remember the last time we went out and got some fresh air.

Jenson has been getting really fussy on the boob and after noticing he looked a bit thinner I weighed him and he’d lost 1.5lbs. I tried to express milk to see if he was getting enough and I only managed 1 ounce after usually getting at lease 6 ounces. The guilt … oh that blady guilt!

The house is a mess; the washing pile is overflowing and half of the food in our fridge has passed it’s use by date. On top of that me and Pete haven’t had quality time in weeks; my work to do list is as long as my arm and I can’t remember the last time I saw my friends let along properly spoke to them.

Like I said; it’s all slipped a bit (okay A LOT) and so slowly that by the time I noticed I’ve been left feeling all kinds of overwhelmed; guilty and quite frankly, exhausted.

I know nothing is permanent; and with what we’ve been been going through it’s pretty understandable that things have all gone a bit pear shaped; but when I want to feel better after being so poorly, and I want to grieve the loss of loved ones, I need the rest of my life to be okay … just okay; and right now it’s not. The realisation that everything has slipped has given me a real kick up the backside to take control of life again and rather than it being a daunting and impossible task I’m actually feeling really positive about it.

I’ve already started making baby steps which is all that I’ve managed whilst feeling so poorly. My mums helped me to get on top of my washing and get the house in order, I’ve made sure that the past few days Jasper has had fruit, veg and water and I’ve gotten Jenson into a formula schedule. Bedtime routines are creeping back in and I’ve spent each night slowly getting back on top of my emails and keeping in touch with friends and family. My to do list is still huge but it’s manageable and I’m feeling optimistic about getting things back in check in 2017.

I’m not doing the whole, ‘New Year, New Me’ thing; I have set goals which I think I may write down, keep to myself and smash in my own time but I am going to be talking on here about a lot of positive changes I plan to make. These changes are not necessarily resolutions but positive life changes I’ll be incorporating everyday until hopefully they become second nature. After a year with a lot of darkness; finding positivity in all that I do is a spark of light I came away with and it really has given me a boost to use my space on the internet to try and do good … stay tuned, I have lots of ideas!

Well for those of you who don’t follow my social media or watch my videos, hopefully this gave you a little insight into why I’ve been a bit m.i.a on here lately. I will do a 2016 blog post round up as it has been a really monumental year in my life ad something that has changed me forever and I feel I should document that.

For any of you mamas, dads, or whatever your reader status may be; if you feel like you’ve let things slip lately I just want you to know that it’s okay. It really is okay. It’s normal and happens to the best of us but if you’re looking for a little push in the right direction I’m going to be writing a few posts on getting back on top of things. You all know I’m not the most organised of people but I’m getting there and I plan to have a strong focus here on this blog on decluttering, organising, minimalism and positivity … let’s get motivated!

 

Thanks for reading!

Jess x

12 Comments

  • Kay
    3rd January 2017 at 10:05 pm Reply

    Oh jess, you’re so right. We all let it slip at one point other another. Was thinking of your family over Christmas. Hope 2017 is kinder to you all xxx

    • Jessica
      4th January 2017 at 9:24 am Reply

      Thank you lovely; I really hope so too! I’m looking at it in a really positive way though; I took a lot of good from 2016 as hard as it was 🙂

  • RealGirlRamblings
    3rd January 2017 at 10:17 pm Reply

    Don’t be hard on yourself lovely. You’ve had an awful lot going on. Take things one day at a time, and one thing at a time. Don’t try and conquer it all in one go. Your kids are alive and healthy – you’re doing a brilliant job xxx

    • Jessica
      4th January 2017 at 9:23 am Reply

      Thanks so much Charlie; you’re so right as long as they’re alive and healthy we’re winning! <3

  • Sophia
    3rd January 2017 at 10:43 pm Reply

    I just want to give you a big hug!!! Glad to hear your getting on top of things, we all have times like that! xx

    • Jessica
      4th January 2017 at 9:23 am Reply

      Aww thanks lovely, I’m definitely feeling better each day <3

  • Alex
    4th January 2017 at 2:31 am Reply

    I can totally relate hun. I got so worked up about keeping on top of everything I ended up having an anxiety attack. I’ve slowed down with work and tried to concentrate on my family and I’m feeling much better. I’m not stressing about blogging anymore, if I can pick my laptop up a couple of times a week then I’m happy.

    Sending hug xxx

    • Jessica
      4th January 2017 at 9:22 am Reply

      I’m so sorry lovely that sounds horrible; you’ve definitely done the right thing in taking a step back! I now allocate time for work when Jaspers at nursery and it’s really helping as I don’t feel guilty and end up bribing him to keep quiet while I try to meet deadlines. I’m so glad you’re feeling better <3

  • Clare Mumsy Midwife
    4th January 2017 at 9:36 am Reply

    Its so hard when you have kids to keep your head above water. I very often feel like the duck analogy you mentioned to. But it can all be sorted with time. Parenting is about doing the best you can, and you are.

    • Jessica
      4th January 2017 at 9:41 am Reply

      It’s such a true analogy isn’t it? Perfect for a mother! Thanks beauty, the best is all we can do right?

  • buttondiaries
    6th January 2017 at 8:39 pm Reply

    What a lovely post and you are spot on with the duck analogy. We often feel like we’re plate spinning badly too. Sounds like you are going to smash it this year and can’t wait to read how you are getting on. Big hugs xxx

    • Jessica
      7th January 2017 at 8:32 pm Reply

      Ahh plate spinning badly is the best way to put it; luckily I’ve just minimalised my kitchen so I don’t have enough plates to smash anymore haha. Thanks for reading <3

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Hi I’m Jess, a parenting, lifestyle and travel blogger. I write about all things minimalism, mum life, fitness and travel with a heap of positivity!

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